Years ago when book learning was my thing, it was explained to me that we live our lives in stages of 7 years. Though I hadn't though about this for a long time it just popped back into my brain yeaterday and really made me think. Upon some examination here's what I found:
0-7: sucking up everything like a sponge and learning to be a complete little individual
8-14: expanding my horizons, starting to ask the big questions and asserting my independence
15-21: paying the consequences for said independence, 1st marriage & starting my own family
22-28: realized I love the kids but not the dad. singlehood, university, married 2nd potential mr right
29-35: working for a living, changing goals, new career with benefits, trying to work shit out
36-42: back to school, teenagers, kids done, financial goals accomplished, ended 2nd marriage, turned 40, convocated university, realized I'd lost me along the way. workin' on that.
43-49: (I will be 50 this october)made a decision at 43, after after successfully navigating the 1st relationship to end with both my dignity & wallet intact, to step away from the intimate and spend my energy building friendships that would last a lifetime instead. Practicing personal compassion by giving myself room to breathe, make some future plans and find the inside self that has been missing.So I shut down the "lookin for a man" vibe for a long time - 6 years, invested myself in some really great friends and have been LIVING life for me.
A year ago I took my 1st real vacation ever with the attitude that it was a gonna be a party. It was and I certainly got my groove back. All the little pieces of me that had fallen by the wayside, the ones that I had given away by choice - or had been taken, and especially the tiny most important bits that I had tucked away inside and forgotten how to find came back to me all in one fell swoop. I changed, apparently overnight, even my friends commented upon it. I was reconnected to the great planet as I hadn't been since my teens. My internal 8 year was once again alive and well. And all those womanly bits - not the mother ones, the other ones were knocking down the door. So I allowed for some temporary indulgence and found that the extremism I experienced in younger years wasn't so much any more.
I had developed and distance between the heart and the physical - who'd of thought? Now don't get me wrong - I am totally a touchy feely physically grounded sorta woman but it usually came with some serious sentimental attachments. I had divested myself of that connection, a true relief and found myself capable of maintaining both my true friendships and an ongoing physical relationship without losing my head, heart, or sense of direction.
So now I had what I wanted - right? We'll go with that. I was happy and successful for the most part, and thankful, truly, about where I was in my life. I was making plans and watching them come to fruition before my eyes. My children were growing into better places for themselves, retirement plans began to grow, career choices were slowly becoming more available, I had a large group of friends that always keep me busy and laughing albeit with the odd touch of drama here and there, I have lots of options.
And then I took my 2nd vacation of my life. Back to the island, where the moment I stepped outside of the airport I was assaulted by a physically dizzying and heartfelt sense of HOME. Like when I went to my grama millie's when I was young, and as still happens every time I step into the farmhouse on the homestead in Swan. It is a visceral smackdown that tells you "you are where you are supposed to be" felt from the roots of your hair to the tips of your toes. And it was exactly the same as it had been the year before. I could feel my heart settle into the land, my whole body connect to everywhere else all at once, spidey senses tingling and synapses firing like AK47s. My nirvana.
The trip this year was about the framily I had made on the last visit, sharing cooking secrets with Anette, authentic jamaican cooking for fancy baking, eating together on Sundays, singing and dancing and enjoying time spent with people who walk into your heart and fill it up, long conversations about beliefs and politics, really learning about each other's cultures. Time spent simply lazing in the sun and relaxing without any other particular goal in mind except to enjoy each other's company.
And then my friends interfered with my plans.
After Doc & Brent had already been chatting about me to one of Doc's friends, and after Anette had been talking said friend up to me, she physically pushed me out the house laughing all the way, to go and talk to him because he was interested in meeting me. He had apparently seen me in and out visiting and wanted to know who that woman was. I tried to explain that wasn't the purpose of my holiday, that I was quite happy with my independence, I wasn't looking for a good time or any entanglements, but no - all of my arguments fell on completely deaf ears and she simply grinned at me, Doc and Brent laughing all the way, "it's just a conversation".
Intuition? An understanding of parts of myself that I have been studiously ignoring? Perhaps the fear that maybe what I really wanted was that which I refused to look for. I had long ago decided that if it showed up on my doorstep fine, but I was NOT putting myself out there, and NOT going to be the one to make any kind of first move in that general direction ever again.
Too late now.
We both looked each other directly in the eyes through the barbed wire bean growing fence that divided his yard and Doc's, started to talk at the same time, and laughed like silly children with our hands touching in the cookie jar. It was a long conversation.
Both of us direct, bare bones, this is who I am and I am comfortable with exactly who I am. History is, unless it impacts the now. Why aren't either of us attached, because neither of us willing to settle and we know what we want: truth, love, passion, intelligence, laughter, music, creativity and drive. A discering combination and almost impossible to find. Fifteen minutes in we were making ground rules for something that didn't yet exist. In fact, at the same time, "I don't share" was out our mouths. Silence. He suggested we go out and talk & asked for my number, I handed him my phone with "yes but you will have to call me, I'm old school", he laughed and said he would. And the conversation continued for about an hour and then Anette was calling me for supper and Brenda & Kory arrived, and I had no idea what I had just gotten myself into.
3 hours later Kory and Brenda headed back to town, my phone rang as the car pulled out of the yard, did I want to go to a little place in Good Hope? Nope, not going to a strange township with a man I don't know in a foreign country even if he is a long time friend of the framily. But I wanted to. He called back 15 minutes later, suggested another place closer and explained that he had already arranged for Doc to go with us as a chaperone so I would feel safe. Damn.
I had just hung up when Doc walked in laughing from driving the kids home, and he laughed even harder when he looked at my expression. Fluttery like a school girl, that hasn't happened for decades, and could not keep the grin off my face. Apparently when you stop looking the universe provides.
A nice little place with a pool table so we had something to do while we danced the little dance, Doc grinning from his stool. The touches that aren't, but are so much more at the same time, the easy sway of a hip in passing that made him lose his shot, a breath on my neck that made my heart stop and I missed mine. After 3 games neither one of us could play anymore so we took our drinks out to the steps and just talked into the evening, completely forgetting that Doc was even there until he plopped himself down, took a look at us and asked if I was ok. "Completely," so he told Ivan in all seriousness that he was responsible for me and I am family. Ivan promised to get me home and Doc left us to the night.
I think we sat on the steps for another hour or so intensely questioning each other like preparing for a jeopardy tournament, and every time someone went in or out of the pub his arm would snake around my shoulders until it just stayed there. "Let's go somewhere else", and we were off to a friend's music yard with an outdoor bar and speakers as tall as I am. He introduced me to some of his friends, and some lovely old gentlemen who were all just characters and atrociously flattering ;) He spun a couple of tunes while i listened and then we danced in the grass until a few slow ones came round when we just swayed, me leaning back on him, his arms wrapped around me breathing in my hair like it always had been, and all my alarm systems stonecold silent. Effortlessly in tune, singing to me all the while but changing the words, sparks almost visible at every point we connected.
And then I had him drive me home.
You know that hollywood kiss that melts knees and oh so many other wild and wonderful places, where he holds you just right and everything fits the way it's supposed to with no awkwardness nd your breath is gone and you totally lose yourself in it till you have to come up for air. Yeah, that's the one.
And I said goodnight baby. Call me.
And he did ...
Showing posts with label idiot. Show all posts
Showing posts with label idiot. Show all posts
Mar 5, 2011
Apr 20, 2010
the tower of solitude
Once upon a time there was a young woman who opened her heart to all and sundry. It got trampled. Over and over and over. She kept on putting it out there and it kept getting thumped on and broken and cracked and burned and yet it kept on working and she just kept on opening the door in search of happyness. Try as she might - she could never find that one person that everyone kept telling her was out there waiting for her. She thought she had a few times, but she was wrong, and those were some of the worst heart rendings because the ones she found had MOST of what she was looking for, but they were to far flawed, but still she made it through. Her heart was a little raggedy when she glimpsed certain profiles out the corner of her eye, there were pieces missing that she would never recover because she had given them away never to be returned, and there were a few dead patches where the burns had never really recovered after the torching of the original heartland, but the majority was still pumping away and attempting continuous self repair.
The last serious "friendship" she engaged in was based on just that friendship and shared joy. It worked for a while, neither side wanting the permanency of the whole living together thing. It was great for her, but he was quite a bit older and eventually wanted to find someone more in tune generationally. The more mature yet still young at heart woman took it harder than she had imagined because the heart strings had not followed orders and gotten tangled up in some minor chords when they were told to stay silent. The untangling was sharply painful for a short time and after that the woman decided fuck it - enough.
She built her tower back up (the foundations were still there from teenhood and two divorces) - where the heart can be defended and not defeated. She isolated herself from those intimate friendships that only lead to heartache. Sick of pain, she detested the wrack of self doubt that was the end of every such friendship because no matter what they said she always felt it was something about her. She embraced the abnegation of society's dictum that every woman NEEDS a man, or at least that special partner in her life.
For almost seven years she kept true to that isolation. Sure it was lonely sometimes. Sure she missed the intimate companionship of that "someone special", but those momentary lapses didn't even begin to copmare to the benefits of growing a whole new set of real friendships, of determining what she wanted to do with the rest of her life, purchasing her first home, or being truly single for the first time since she was 16. Learning to live with all her good and bad parts and working through decades of previous resentment and regret until she could stand on the top of the tower and see for miles and miles an miles and maybe - look herself straight in a mirror. Oh yeah.
The last couple of years in tower she started to build a deck at the base, inviting a select minority close enough for the heart strings to perk up. Then she began to wonder if the self imposed solitude wasn't now more of a hindrance or an escape instead of a haven of safety. She eventually decided that the tower would have to come down, and not being one for general procrastination, timber... and away it went.
Starting over. So there she was, kind of shiny and new, still tentative about her physical self but grounded spiritually and on balance (for the most part) emotionally. She took the big step and was truly joyful that she had, but it opened other doors long shuttered.
And then she met a gentleman who had also been spending time in a self imposed tower, and the door to his seemed to be swinging open. A quirky coincidence in a world full of them. They looked each other right in the eye and they weren't strangers. They spent long hours on the phone and talked about everything under the sun: politics, culture, music, framily, even religion all sprinkled with interjections that both cherished their independence and did not want a "relationship" because both had been burned before. He made her smile and laugh and feel womanly, and his laugh was a smooth deep rumble that came right from the belly. When they were together the sparks flew, phantasmagorical would be a good word.
Then he called her because he had this gut feeling that she was interested in some one else - NOT. She hadn't even looked, she denied it. He only half believed her - he told her directly. She was seriously confused. Where the hell did that come from? They'd spoken just Yesterday and seen each other less than a week before. After much discussion he admitted he was stressed because maybe he was becoming too "attached" to her.
Figures: Everything was going too well, everything fit. But he was completely freaked about it growing into a "relationship" in which he was sure he would get burned. She had assured him at the beginning that she wasn't looking for the "commitment". He saw that the more time they spent together the more attached he became and since historically he always got burned, he did not want to work through that pain ever again - that was why he built his tower in the first place. Both of them thought they could be "really" good friends without commitment to more than intimate exclusivity. He finally decided to believe that she was truth telling when she said he was the only one. She tried to get him to understand that just because she was not actively looking for that "relationship", that didn't mean she was adverse to considering it if it happened to develop. He said it'll hurt even more if it lasts a year. The intimacy that they had been sharing had grown despite their denials, it had become more than "just casual".
He told her he really cared for her,it was all him and his fear of betrayal. But they could still talk on the phone right? She told him how much she enjoyed the conversations and said yes. Then he asked, "we're still good friends right, so they could go out for drinks, or visit each other. Do things more slowly"
And she was confused: was the intimate part of the friendship ending because he was more afraid of the possible future pain and did he think that if they stopped the physical part of their friendship the attachment would go away?". Because as far as she was concerned their conversations just made the attachment all that much deeper - but maybe it was different for him.
And he hoped she wasn't angry and she was still his friend.
And she started hauling stone for a new tower of her own.
The last serious "friendship" she engaged in was based on just that friendship and shared joy. It worked for a while, neither side wanting the permanency of the whole living together thing. It was great for her, but he was quite a bit older and eventually wanted to find someone more in tune generationally. The more mature yet still young at heart woman took it harder than she had imagined because the heart strings had not followed orders and gotten tangled up in some minor chords when they were told to stay silent. The untangling was sharply painful for a short time and after that the woman decided fuck it - enough.
She built her tower back up (the foundations were still there from teenhood and two divorces) - where the heart can be defended and not defeated. She isolated herself from those intimate friendships that only lead to heartache. Sick of pain, she detested the wrack of self doubt that was the end of every such friendship because no matter what they said she always felt it was something about her. She embraced the abnegation of society's dictum that every woman NEEDS a man, or at least that special partner in her life.
For almost seven years she kept true to that isolation. Sure it was lonely sometimes. Sure she missed the intimate companionship of that "someone special", but those momentary lapses didn't even begin to copmare to the benefits of growing a whole new set of real friendships, of determining what she wanted to do with the rest of her life, purchasing her first home, or being truly single for the first time since she was 16. Learning to live with all her good and bad parts and working through decades of previous resentment and regret until she could stand on the top of the tower and see for miles and miles an miles and maybe - look herself straight in a mirror. Oh yeah.
The last couple of years in tower she started to build a deck at the base, inviting a select minority close enough for the heart strings to perk up. Then she began to wonder if the self imposed solitude wasn't now more of a hindrance or an escape instead of a haven of safety. She eventually decided that the tower would have to come down, and not being one for general procrastination, timber... and away it went.
Starting over. So there she was, kind of shiny and new, still tentative about her physical self but grounded spiritually and on balance (for the most part) emotionally. She took the big step and was truly joyful that she had, but it opened other doors long shuttered.
And then she met a gentleman who had also been spending time in a self imposed tower, and the door to his seemed to be swinging open. A quirky coincidence in a world full of them. They looked each other right in the eye and they weren't strangers. They spent long hours on the phone and talked about everything under the sun: politics, culture, music, framily, even religion all sprinkled with interjections that both cherished their independence and did not want a "relationship" because both had been burned before. He made her smile and laugh and feel womanly, and his laugh was a smooth deep rumble that came right from the belly. When they were together the sparks flew, phantasmagorical would be a good word.
Then he called her because he had this gut feeling that she was interested in some one else - NOT. She hadn't even looked, she denied it. He only half believed her - he told her directly. She was seriously confused. Where the hell did that come from? They'd spoken just Yesterday and seen each other less than a week before. After much discussion he admitted he was stressed because maybe he was becoming too "attached" to her.
Figures: Everything was going too well, everything fit. But he was completely freaked about it growing into a "relationship" in which he was sure he would get burned. She had assured him at the beginning that she wasn't looking for the "commitment". He saw that the more time they spent together the more attached he became and since historically he always got burned, he did not want to work through that pain ever again - that was why he built his tower in the first place. Both of them thought they could be "really" good friends without commitment to more than intimate exclusivity. He finally decided to believe that she was truth telling when she said he was the only one. She tried to get him to understand that just because she was not actively looking for that "relationship", that didn't mean she was adverse to considering it if it happened to develop. He said it'll hurt even more if it lasts a year. The intimacy that they had been sharing had grown despite their denials, it had become more than "just casual".
He told her he really cared for her,it was all him and his fear of betrayal. But they could still talk on the phone right? She told him how much she enjoyed the conversations and said yes. Then he asked, "we're still good friends right, so they could go out for drinks, or visit each other. Do things more slowly"
And she was confused: was the intimate part of the friendship ending because he was more afraid of the possible future pain and did he think that if they stopped the physical part of their friendship the attachment would go away?". Because as far as she was concerned their conversations just made the attachment all that much deeper - but maybe it was different for him.
And he hoped she wasn't angry and she was still his friend.
And she started hauling stone for a new tower of her own.
Apr 11, 2010
Apr 7, 2010
personal saboteur
How many times have you gotten to a place in your life where everything finally seems normal? How many times has it blown up in your face? Whose fault was it?
Good job, nice home, great friends. A new found confidence and a centeredness that's been missing for a long time. A real laugh, not just bravado or simple amusement. Sure the kids are going through some rough times but that isn't really my worry, that's what life is about, finding your way through it. The rest of the family seems to be working out their various problems, it all takes time. I even took a chance and started to build another friendship. And I think I've blown it entirely.
All my fault.
I had no idea how much it would hurt when John died. It was all so long ago and we had found a way back to the friendship after the foo fur rah settled out. But when I got the news I simply lost it. Granted I've lost 2 other friends in the last 6 weeks, but man oh man.
I went home and decided to try and numb it. Might not have been the best decision since half way into the bottle my friend called. With a friendship in its infancy - where both of you have expressed your fears about relationships, a needy pain wracked maudlin drunk is not something you necessarily want to inflict on the other person. The first two hours of the conversation - ok. but then there is about an hour gap. I don't know what I said. I don't know what he said. Vaguish memories taunt me now, and I fear that I have once again sabotaged my own happiness.
I called him the next day. Thanked him for listening, apologized for any foolishness, he said no worries - I didn't put anything on him. And there was a fair silence when I told him I didn't remember that last hour on the phone. Me and my blatant honesty should learn to shut up. I have no idea where that leaves the friendship. I'm betting he doesn't call back.
And I am back to square one - or maybe minus five - I don't even know.
And I did it to myself.
Fuck.
Good job, nice home, great friends. A new found confidence and a centeredness that's been missing for a long time. A real laugh, not just bravado or simple amusement. Sure the kids are going through some rough times but that isn't really my worry, that's what life is about, finding your way through it. The rest of the family seems to be working out their various problems, it all takes time. I even took a chance and started to build another friendship. And I think I've blown it entirely.
All my fault.
I had no idea how much it would hurt when John died. It was all so long ago and we had found a way back to the friendship after the foo fur rah settled out. But when I got the news I simply lost it. Granted I've lost 2 other friends in the last 6 weeks, but man oh man.
I went home and decided to try and numb it. Might not have been the best decision since half way into the bottle my friend called. With a friendship in its infancy - where both of you have expressed your fears about relationships, a needy pain wracked maudlin drunk is not something you necessarily want to inflict on the other person. The first two hours of the conversation - ok. but then there is about an hour gap. I don't know what I said. I don't know what he said. Vaguish memories taunt me now, and I fear that I have once again sabotaged my own happiness.
I called him the next day. Thanked him for listening, apologized for any foolishness, he said no worries - I didn't put anything on him. And there was a fair silence when I told him I didn't remember that last hour on the phone. Me and my blatant honesty should learn to shut up. I have no idea where that leaves the friendship. I'm betting he doesn't call back.
And I am back to square one - or maybe minus five - I don't even know.
And I did it to myself.
Fuck.
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