another friday nite

When you are alone and fighting the despondency that threatens and a couple of friends show up.  Count yourself lucky.

The darkness threatens. suffocating in intensity to be lightened by the driven but motivated visions of your friends. They could be anywhere else but they are here. They smell alive, they sound invested, and they do not release you to the voices. They engage, laugh, argue, and come to terms.

They keep me safe from myself. why? Shouldn't I just let go?

patience

I find myself in a singularly strange place. The sugar has a bee in his bonnet that I am seeing someone else. I have not. I have told him I have not. I thought the nascent friendship was a done deal but apparently not. It might be a week or 10 days between calls, but he does call. After 10 days, I call him. He always picks up or calls back fairly soon. That's a good thing.

Did I mention I do things backwards. Synopsis. Met him. We spent probably 12 hours on the phone in 5 days. He came over - sparks flew. We saw each other regularly for about 10 weeks. He makes a statement that he is getting too attached so better a small hurt now than a big one later, because he ALWAYS gets burned. I figure it's over. He calls.

I haven't seen him in 6 or 7 weeks, the calls are coming more often again. Conversation is less stilted. Okay. Works for me. If I can go 6 years 6 weeks is no biggy ;)

Missed his call Thursday, called him back Friday. Told him where I was Thurs blah blah blah, we rang off. 20 minutes later he called back? In a fairly accusatory manner he questioned how I could take my grandson to a baseball game in the nasty/rain hail storm and then for ice cream? I calmly corrected him and repeated that I went to the grandson's because he was supposed to have a game and he asked me to go, yes I drive through crazy rain and some hail on Elphinstone to get there, the league had not yet called to cancel the game but that was fairly obvious so I took the grands to the store for ice cream.

He then went on about women being untruthful which is why he lives alone and doesn't want a relationship of any kind. NOTE : HE CALLS ME. An I correct him again to say that PEOPLE lie. Wish they wouldn't but they do and rapped of my list of getting burned by men (2 engagements 2 divorces and misc). Not having a leg to stand on he agrees and the conversation continues.

But now I'm actually angry. Don't get me wrong - I like him and consider him my friend but this is not an invested "relationship" for me. This conversation, some opposite gender attention that makes me feel all womanly, and some really great sex. And it would be great if he thought the same - even though it is what he professes.

So I asked him if he was seeing anyone? No. He asked me and I said no the only man that I've seen since we started visiting is you. But you haven't seen me in awhile he says to me. What so he thinks I'll just run out and find someone else??? stupid man.

My response:I have told you no every time you ask and the point here is that until you decide that you will trust what I say I am aware that you will not believe me. Nor will you believe anyone I know because you have decided in your head that I - like all the other women in your life will burn you too. I am not like that. I do not see two men at the same time, poor form.

And then I told him that I was NOT looking for the relationship, but enjoyed his company and conversation and the great sex. I also told him I had some patience and was willing to wait and see if he could get past his instinct to find reality.

So he changed the subject and about half an hour later said he'd call me tomorrow and we rang off.

I missed his call today as I was at a bbq.

So that's 3 calls in 3 days and the first argument. I'm fair dinkum sure he got the message. The question is how much patience do I want to have here?

If only I had never been in his shoes.

anonymity

I know what anonymity is supposed to be, but when combined with the interwebs and the blogdasphere, can you really remain anonymous? Sure sign up for a new webmail address somewhere - a pain - then register with blogspot etal - more pain and passwords to track - fill in all the blanks with fake info to obscure the path for any truly stalky people - biggest pain. And then write to your heart's content, without using any real names or places or dates.

I might as well write a freaking novella.

Then, once you have it begun, how do you direct the people you want to read that blog to GO to that blog, without spilling the personality beans? Won't they, if they are any kind of observant or familiar with you or your work, figure it out fairly easily?

Or maybe I should just write what I need and take the ultimate consequences for trying to work out my shit in a relatively public venue, then refuse to discuss anything I write on my blog in person, therefore creating some distance in which to cogitate before rampaging and ruining my everday personal relationships?

hmmmm.

Maybe I should go back to paper.

delayed gratification

Is supposed to be a good thing. The increased anticipation heightens your awareness. With your senses are peaking, you become just that much more sensitive to the vibes around you. You look forward instead of backward, creating an aura of positivism .... Right?

Or you feel like you're walking around waiting for someone to trigger a freaking heart attack. Hmmm not so positive.

I'm thinking a little less delay and a little more gratification may be in order.

quiet man

He tells me he's a quiet man. People that know him tell me he's a quiet man. For a quiet man he sure does talk a lot. One in particular was totally amazed that we spend two sometimes three hours at a time on the phone just verbally wandering through our experience just asking questions and making each other laugh. Apparently he also doesn`t spend much time on the phone yet we talk at least every second day. And we`re both afraid of `relationships` and want to maintain our independence, our safe space that it has taken us so much to acquire. So there are quite a few similarities.

We were making fun of some damn fools getting married when he asked me today if I would ever get married again. I had to really think about that. It`s certainly not something on my immediate horizon. Having been divorced twice it`s taken me 7 years to sort out who I am all on my own, and only the last have I not been responsible for anyone except me since I was 16. I believe in marriage - sharing lives for two people who love each other tenderly and deeply, but I am not going there any time soon. I told him maybe if I fell in love with someone, spent enough time with them and trusted them I would consider doing it again. He said he didn`t fall in love, he stands in love - to which I laughed and mentioned that was a Snoop Dog phrase. He was surprised. But in a way I agree with him. Either way - love is not at issue in the here and now. Unlawful carnal knowledge, mutual interests, and the curiosity of the new is what it`s about right now.

He makes me feel womanly and desirable and soft - I even bought a PINK shirt.
OMG
I sound ... knock wood ... happy.
And I deserve it.

well...

Music makes me cry this week, and movies, and the occasional commercial. Always bright on the outside, my inside worlds are colliding, and the destruction is starting to spread. Regret weighs me down, guilt shrivels my desire to talk to people, sweet sleep is a surcease to pain long buried and newly resurrected, if only I could grasp it more than a couple of hours at a time.

Plans made and tossed aside for what seemed like good reasons at the time and now seem to be flimsy rationalizations. Wasted resources, relationships, and opportunities gibber their derision behind my eyes, rubbing my nose in my own misjudgements.

It's so quiet that I can hear all the voices chittering at me at the same time, a cacophonous dirge of drivel I can do nothing about. I thought I was past this.

the great search

Should any deny they are searchers they shall be telling an untruth and be deluding themselves or else they be dead.

As a child we search for stability comfort and inclusion.
In the teenager awakens a thirst for a larger understanding of their place in the pattern.
Often as not in adulthood, we give up on the mystical, and through the application of skepticism think we have become cynics or even atheists.
I beg to differ on the grounds of the "great other", that indefinable something that we all know as just out of reach or around the next corner. What about those questions that everyone I know who has been close to death were still asking, "Why was I here? What was the point? What happens now? Did my life really matter?"

The search has infinite paths, and though we may successfully conclude many of them throughout a lifetime, there is always another looming on the horizon of your unconsciousness. The search defines who we are.

I am searching for freedom, love, and a surcease from pain/desire, yet I continually take steps that extenuate both states.

What are you searching for?