Music makes me cry this week, and movies, and the occasional commercial. Always bright on the outside, my inside worlds are colliding, and the destruction is starting to spread. Regret weighs me down, guilt shrivels my desire to talk to people, sweet sleep is a surcease to pain long buried and newly resurrected, if only I could grasp it more than a couple of hours at a time.
Plans made and tossed aside for what seemed like good reasons at the time and now seem to be flimsy rationalizations. Wasted resources, relationships, and opportunities gibber their derision behind my eyes, rubbing my nose in my own misjudgements.
It's so quiet that I can hear all the voices chittering at me at the same time, a cacophonous dirge of drivel I can do nothing about. I thought I was past this.
Mar 27, 2009
Mar 23, 2009
sociopaths
According to the crackbook quiz I am one. hmmmmmm. Sounds like my shrink when I was 14, but he said it was all my mom's fault. She's dead now so does that mean I have to take responsibility for my own shit, or can I pass the blame on to someone else? I wonder if I have his name - the shrink's I mean - nah he's probably dead too. Maybe it was just a phase and I've grown out of it. Then again maybe not.
Mar 21, 2009
the great search
Should any deny they are searchers they shall be telling an untruth and be deluding themselves or else they be dead.
As a child we search for stability comfort and inclusion.
In the teenager awakens a thirst for a larger understanding of their place in the pattern.
Often as not in adulthood, we give up on the mystical, and through the application of skepticism think we have become cynics or even atheists.
I beg to differ on the grounds of the "great other", that indefinable something that we all know as just out of reach or around the next corner. What about those questions that everyone I know who has been close to death were still asking, "Why was I here? What was the point? What happens now? Did my life really matter?"
The search has infinite paths, and though we may successfully conclude many of them throughout a lifetime, there is always another looming on the horizon of your unconsciousness. The search defines who we are.
I am searching for freedom, love, and a surcease from pain/desire, yet I continually take steps that extenuate both states.
What are you searching for?
As a child we search for stability comfort and inclusion.
In the teenager awakens a thirst for a larger understanding of their place in the pattern.
Often as not in adulthood, we give up on the mystical, and through the application of skepticism think we have become cynics or even atheists.
I beg to differ on the grounds of the "great other", that indefinable something that we all know as just out of reach or around the next corner. What about those questions that everyone I know who has been close to death were still asking, "Why was I here? What was the point? What happens now? Did my life really matter?"
The search has infinite paths, and though we may successfully conclude many of them throughout a lifetime, there is always another looming on the horizon of your unconsciousness. The search defines who we are.
I am searching for freedom, love, and a surcease from pain/desire, yet I continually take steps that extenuate both states.
What are you searching for?
Mar 20, 2009
ya- fuckin - hoo!
First day of spring and Mr. Winter is dying another death. Oh welcome RA, wake up Gaia, it's your turn and about bloody time it is. Open the windows! I removed the storms in the porch. I will have bare feet in my mephistos today. It's going up to 2 degrees. Yes, above zero. No socks required.
I need light, and sun, and friendly voices (besides the ones in my head and THEY'VE been cooped up waaay too long) and maybe an apertif on a deck some where. Savia java this aft. Footloose and fancy free for the weekend.
I need light, and sun, and friendly voices (besides the ones in my head and THEY'VE been cooped up waaay too long) and maybe an apertif on a deck some where. Savia java this aft. Footloose and fancy free for the weekend.
Mar 19, 2009
catch up:
My son is 26 today and yet I don't really feel much older than when I had him. More experienced and more physically descrepit, but not really "older". I find that I still want to sing happy birthday and have him blow out the candles, but now instead of black forest cake from Safeway, he wants home made not from the box black forest cake with real kirsch and cherries. Not happening, not this week.
Mama got a little carried away and thristday became thirstweekend and then some ;) I got the date for Mikey's buyout wrong, but I was already at the pub and the crew were there, and I didn't have to work the next day, so all of these lovely little rationalizations were just sitting on the shelf waiting for me to dust them off, which I did. Got home quite late, made Deb laugh and then thrust my drunken but ever so happy personage into Deb's room to harass my friend Peter whom had just gotten back from Cuba. Apparently I was in fine form.
I had convinced myself Friday morning that I was not going to grace the pub with my presence that evening, and then I started feeling guilty because I'd missed the last few outings with that crew - I am a member of several disparate groups of friends with different interests - and I had promised Mikey I'd be there, so I got my running around done early and decided to go for just a few.
HAHAHAHAHA! I am the empress of self delusion I tell you. A few my ass. On a Fraturday, with 3 groups of my friends at the pub and the fivers just jumping out of my pocket. I was rollin' and then Niall finished any chance at all of me getting home early by introducing this dark and delicious new brew, Cobblestone, which is - may the brewer's above strike me down if it isn't so - better in the short run than Guinness. In fact it is very much like Guinness but it has an aroma that you can just sit and absorb for minutes at a time, until it draws your lips to the edge of the glass for another swallow. Dark dekicious stout with a hint of coffee, or chocolatey something ... damn but it's good. Suffice to say I had several.
Saturday was ladies night so it was fun in the kitchen with dk & Deb while we prepared the feast for the ladies. Just shy of a dozen of us filled my place with love, laughter, and the sarcasm that only erupts when it is a testosterone free zone. We are hilarious.
I took Sunday off. Even the goddess needs to rest ... and do laundry.
Monday was brother Ryan's bday, with libations for all, and Tuesday was St. Paddy's - the annual come as you crawl event at an Irish pub. While I didn't get there until 3:30 (some of my friends were there before noon and had I not been working I would have been too) Katie still had some Guinness Chocolate cake with Bailey's icing left, and we didn't get locked out while we were smoking until after 7 (but Robert let us in through the kitchen). THere were so many of my friends there that it was like Romper Room through the bottom of a Guinness Glass. Ahhhh - spring is in the air and everybody wanted to play. And the Dman was playing and Mr. Bighead was welcomed with open arms and by then a few empty minds!!! We danced and laughed and sand and cheers each other hoarse.
It was fucking glorious!
Mama got a little carried away and thristday became thirstweekend and then some ;) I got the date for Mikey's buyout wrong, but I was already at the pub and the crew were there, and I didn't have to work the next day, so all of these lovely little rationalizations were just sitting on the shelf waiting for me to dust them off, which I did. Got home quite late, made Deb laugh and then thrust my drunken but ever so happy personage into Deb's room to harass my friend Peter whom had just gotten back from Cuba. Apparently I was in fine form.
I had convinced myself Friday morning that I was not going to grace the pub with my presence that evening, and then I started feeling guilty because I'd missed the last few outings with that crew - I am a member of several disparate groups of friends with different interests - and I had promised Mikey I'd be there, so I got my running around done early and decided to go for just a few.
HAHAHAHAHA! I am the empress of self delusion I tell you. A few my ass. On a Fraturday, with 3 groups of my friends at the pub and the fivers just jumping out of my pocket. I was rollin' and then Niall finished any chance at all of me getting home early by introducing this dark and delicious new brew, Cobblestone, which is - may the brewer's above strike me down if it isn't so - better in the short run than Guinness. In fact it is very much like Guinness but it has an aroma that you can just sit and absorb for minutes at a time, until it draws your lips to the edge of the glass for another swallow. Dark dekicious stout with a hint of coffee, or chocolatey something ... damn but it's good. Suffice to say I had several.
Saturday was ladies night so it was fun in the kitchen with dk & Deb while we prepared the feast for the ladies. Just shy of a dozen of us filled my place with love, laughter, and the sarcasm that only erupts when it is a testosterone free zone. We are hilarious.
I took Sunday off. Even the goddess needs to rest ... and do laundry.
Monday was brother Ryan's bday, with libations for all, and Tuesday was St. Paddy's - the annual come as you crawl event at an Irish pub. While I didn't get there until 3:30 (some of my friends were there before noon and had I not been working I would have been too) Katie still had some Guinness Chocolate cake with Bailey's icing left, and we didn't get locked out while we were smoking until after 7 (but Robert let us in through the kitchen). THere were so many of my friends there that it was like Romper Room through the bottom of a Guinness Glass. Ahhhh - spring is in the air and everybody wanted to play. And the Dman was playing and Mr. Bighead was welcomed with open arms and by then a few empty minds!!! We danced and laughed and sand and cheers each other hoarse.
It was fucking glorious!
Mar 17, 2009
hmmmmmmm
An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind. - Buddha
Mar 12, 2009
thirstday
If you ask any of the O'Hanligans or random member of the O'Hanlon's Ladies Auxiliary (OLA) they will tell you that my favorite beer is the Guinness, and they would not be lying at all at all. I am sure that I could stop by the pub and drink them everyday for their grainy goodness... mmmm. Cool and dark, a heady brisqueness rises from the glass calling me ...
And I have not replenished my supply, with the exception of two lonely pints last Saturday, in well over two weeks. Understand that though I am no longer the liquor pig I once was the skills are simply simmering under the surface awaiting the Chance to escape. At the end of last decadance (spring summer fall - when the deck is available) I had decided that neither my health nor my vacation fund (HAHAHAHAHAHA) would be getting any better anytime soon unless I took a bit of a break from bar attending. So I instituted the once a week thristday, with the occasional exception for birthdays and other special occasions like Team Mensa Scrabble, OLA Karaoke, or one of the ladies had a really bad day. And it has worked. The weight is slowly decreasing, very very slowly (trying to motivate oneself when one cannot stand looking at the loser in the mirror is a feat not yet accomplished)and I have a squeak away from 2K in my vacation fund with 9 months left to save.
BUT I now have 2 thirstdays saved up and I believe I will blow them today.
I feel the fraturday buzz beginning in my toes and soon to be tasting genius is drawing me further and further away from the work I should be doing.
You know how so many people say they're at the bar for the company. BULLSHIT!
Sometimes we're at the bar for the Beer & the company, sometimes we're at the bar for BEER & COMPANY, but mostly it's for the beer. You could have company at home.
And I have not replenished my supply, with the exception of two lonely pints last Saturday, in well over two weeks. Understand that though I am no longer the liquor pig I once was the skills are simply simmering under the surface awaiting the Chance to escape. At the end of last decadance (spring summer fall - when the deck is available) I had decided that neither my health nor my vacation fund (HAHAHAHAHAHA) would be getting any better anytime soon unless I took a bit of a break from bar attending. So I instituted the once a week thristday, with the occasional exception for birthdays and other special occasions like Team Mensa Scrabble, OLA Karaoke, or one of the ladies had a really bad day. And it has worked. The weight is slowly decreasing, very very slowly (trying to motivate oneself when one cannot stand looking at the loser in the mirror is a feat not yet accomplished)and I have a squeak away from 2K in my vacation fund with 9 months left to save.
BUT I now have 2 thirstdays saved up and I believe I will blow them today.
I feel the fraturday buzz beginning in my toes and soon to be tasting genius is drawing me further and further away from the work I should be doing.
You know how so many people say they're at the bar for the company. BULLSHIT!
Sometimes we're at the bar for the Beer & the company, sometimes we're at the bar for BEER & COMPANY, but mostly it's for the beer. You could have company at home.
Mar 11, 2009
full moon fallout
The crazies did not inundate my mailbox. A few grumpy curmudgeons and a couple of whiners, with two cudos tossed in for leavening. Not bad for hump day and strangely normal for the lunar peak - maybe it's the evening primrose oil I've been taking the last few days. Who knows.
However ...
-35C this morning MEH!!! when it was to be warmer than -20C .... heavy sigh
However ...
-35C this morning MEH!!! when it was to be warmer than -20C .... heavy sigh
Mar 10, 2009
for fuck sakes
Theyu said it was going to be -27C this am. I psyched myself up ... I thought I was ready for it.
At 7 this morning it was -fucking 32 degrees celcius and - 45C with the wind chill.
I was NOT ready for that.
On the flip side it's warmed up to a balmy -25C this afternoon.
The feather forecasters are a bunch of tasteless cunts.
At 7 this morning it was -fucking 32 degrees celcius and - 45C with the wind chill.
I was NOT ready for that.
On the flip side it's warmed up to a balmy -25C this afternoon.
The feather forecasters are a bunch of tasteless cunts.
Mar 9, 2009
Last weakness
Sick like a puking toad last week, mother nature's whole body cleanse and attempt to cure my decades long lack of sleep Hot cold sweating shivering sleep can and round and round the mulberry bush. Fever or hot flashes? No - it was fever, the hot flashes came back yesterday - AFTER the fever vacated the premises.
Since Friday - Remy had her baby, Mikey got a new job, Mur is lookin' for one and the Sherriff's dad passed.
At least I'm not sick today - though I am freakin' exhausted and I just typed all day - what a loser.
and I miss my mom.
Since Friday - Remy had her baby, Mikey got a new job, Mur is lookin' for one and the Sherriff's dad passed.
At least I'm not sick today - though I am freakin' exhausted and I just typed all day - what a loser.
and I miss my mom.
Mar 2, 2009
ah the stupid heads ...
Everyone knows the "dumb blonde" vs "smart brunette" stereotypes right? Well what really sucks is when the stupidheadedness of an unknown dumb blonde (really she is) starts to rub off on what has previously been known to be a relatively "smart" brunette.
The story started with the blonde stating that if you drink your liquor through a straw you get drunk faster. Heh heh - honey if we put two pints on the table and give you a fuckin' 7-11 slurpee straw, my pint will be gone before you've downed two fingers of your pint. With more hooch inside me than outside, I am pretty sure I will get drunk faster.
I know that the great omniscient powered "THEY" spout hundreds of reasons why this is supposedly TRUE, ranging from you suck faster, carbonation causes faster absorption, creates higher heat in the mouth causing more vapours to be created... yada freakin' yada. The point is you get drunk as quickly as your individual blood alcohol levels increase, which is directly affected by the amount of alcohol you consume.
As if I wasn't already starting to get irritated enough, at that point the brunette chirps "I heard it works better if the straw is bent." Really. I'm thinking she's got to be kidding. But she's got that "I'm totally serious" look on her face. And then the blonde perks back up "I read it on the internets, it must be true!"
bang bang.
The story started with the blonde stating that if you drink your liquor through a straw you get drunk faster. Heh heh - honey if we put two pints on the table and give you a fuckin' 7-11 slurpee straw, my pint will be gone before you've downed two fingers of your pint. With more hooch inside me than outside, I am pretty sure I will get drunk faster.
I know that the great omniscient powered "THEY" spout hundreds of reasons why this is supposedly TRUE, ranging from you suck faster, carbonation causes faster absorption, creates higher heat in the mouth causing more vapours to be created... yada freakin' yada. The point is you get drunk as quickly as your individual blood alcohol levels increase, which is directly affected by the amount of alcohol you consume.
As if I wasn't already starting to get irritated enough, at that point the brunette chirps "I heard it works better if the straw is bent." Really. I'm thinking she's got to be kidding. But she's got that "I'm totally serious" look on her face. And then the blonde perks back up "I read it on the internets, it must be true!"
bang bang.
Feb 28, 2009
disgruntled
Sometimes the difference in "common" language usage between generations just blows me away. I have always believed that there are some situations where the use of particular words is not such a great idea. And don't give me the arguement that we as a society have become desensitized to the impact of those words because that is not neccesarily a good thing.
Last night I heard two 18 year old girls call each other "whores" and laugh, like some of us in my generation use "bitches". Neither is a very nice thing to call your friend - however - calling a friend of mine a whore is flatly untenable. Yet another of their friends tagged one of them in some south park pic as "Herpes Ho" and that incensed them, but they thought it would have been funny if it was someone else who was tagged with it??? Talk about multi layered standards. Or maybe it's just a lack of standards whatsoever. Or maybe it's just my yearning for civilized conversation without all the negative conotations.
The longer I spent in their company the more aghast I became at their language. Such filth being declaimed by such beauty and yet they kiss their mothers with those mouths. I even went so far as to ask them why, and got naught but splutters and mumbles as a reply.
George Carlin, who espoused the belief that there are no bad words, only bad interpretations, would be calling me a hypocrite I'm sure - and he's tops on my list of present day philosophers. I'm sorry George, but on my WORST day the language they are using is on just about anybody's list and they KNOW it. It isn't for shock value or even as an expletive, it has become part of their common launguage. I detest it.
Last night I heard two 18 year old girls call each other "whores" and laugh, like some of us in my generation use "bitches". Neither is a very nice thing to call your friend - however - calling a friend of mine a whore is flatly untenable. Yet another of their friends tagged one of them in some south park pic as "Herpes Ho" and that incensed them, but they thought it would have been funny if it was someone else who was tagged with it??? Talk about multi layered standards. Or maybe it's just a lack of standards whatsoever. Or maybe it's just my yearning for civilized conversation without all the negative conotations.
The longer I spent in their company the more aghast I became at their language. Such filth being declaimed by such beauty and yet they kiss their mothers with those mouths. I even went so far as to ask them why, and got naught but splutters and mumbles as a reply.
George Carlin, who espoused the belief that there are no bad words, only bad interpretations, would be calling me a hypocrite I'm sure - and he's tops on my list of present day philosophers. I'm sorry George, but on my WORST day the language they are using is on just about anybody's list and they KNOW it. It isn't for shock value or even as an expletive, it has become part of their common launguage. I detest it.
Feb 27, 2009
changeability
Apparently today is the day that I cannot make a decision and make it stick even in my own head. The plumber was here and the biggest pain in my ass has been resolved. New taps installed, the drip has been quenched and I no longer have to use the rubber jar opening thingy to turn off the hot water tap. FUCKING YAY!!!!
however - it was minus 30C (-42 with windchill) when I cancelled my coffee date with my son, and considered cancelling fake bake. So we rearranged java at Mur's for 4 instead of 1 - bake at 5. A a visit with the crazies at 7 for Nolie's 22nd bday. I still have to check with Clinton about bday plans.
But NOW, not an hour later I think I need to get out of the house ... I really do. I mean it's warmed up to - just a sec - minus 23 (-35 with windchill)which gives me long enough from car to building and not freeze my arse off. But I don't want to put socks on. Yes you do. No I don't. You want to shop though...
Someone please tell me how to stop the voices.
however - it was minus 30C (-42 with windchill) when I cancelled my coffee date with my son, and considered cancelling fake bake. So we rearranged java at Mur's for 4 instead of 1 - bake at 5. A a visit with the crazies at 7 for Nolie's 22nd bday. I still have to check with Clinton about bday plans.
But NOW, not an hour later I think I need to get out of the house ... I really do. I mean it's warmed up to - just a sec - minus 23 (-35 with windchill)which gives me long enough from car to building and not freeze my arse off. But I don't want to put socks on. Yes you do. No I don't. You want to shop though...
Someone please tell me how to stop the voices.
no matter how many times I get divorced I am still related to the Griswalds
Last class is just about to get out and everyone wants to go somewhere but no one wants everyone to go to their place because the Griswalds live with you/them/every teenager. It's not just the teenagers though, the Griswalds hang around your whole life just peeking around the corner waiting for that golden opportunity to cause the most stress and or embarassment for the least amount of effort. In fact they make it look effortless. We wonder wht we feel paranoid? It's just good common sense when they really are out to get you. In the nicest way possible of course.
You know who I mean. It isn't always your parents/in-laws/out-laws who have the Griswaldish behaviours either, often it's a sibling/half/step or cousin, or a mate (may all the 100 little gods forbid) and sometimes it's you.
Y'all know who you are - each and every one of you has had a Griswald Moment or two. We all go back there once in a while, when too many buttons are pushed, switches are flipped, or toes are stepped on. The uglies arrive and the only way to avoid them is flee.
If you're REALLY lucky, your Griswalds don't recognize their Griswaldishness and they hunt you down in your favorite places and torment you while you make every conceivable effort to maintain civility and not hurt anyone. And they think this is a good thing.
meh!
You know who I mean. It isn't always your parents/in-laws/out-laws who have the Griswaldish behaviours either, often it's a sibling/half/step or cousin, or a mate (may all the 100 little gods forbid) and sometimes it's you.
Y'all know who you are - each and every one of you has had a Griswald Moment or two. We all go back there once in a while, when too many buttons are pushed, switches are flipped, or toes are stepped on. The uglies arrive and the only way to avoid them is flee.
If you're REALLY lucky, your Griswalds don't recognize their Griswaldishness and they hunt you down in your favorite places and torment you while you make every conceivable effort to maintain civility and not hurt anyone. And they think this is a good thing.
meh!
Feb 26, 2009
who the fuck are you?
to tell me what I SHOULD or SHOULD NOT do you slump brained half witted knuckle dragging cousin to an unborn invertabrate. You haven't got a sniff what life is yet about. Uneducated, uninformed, uninitiated and underdeveloped, you sit back all sass & brass with no class pontificating on your own "philosophy" of how the world REALLY works when you work part-time, live with your parents, and sponge off your friends. You are a low light, no life, brings a knife to a gun fight ignorant mother fucker.
You'll never read this but I feel better.
You'll never read this but I feel better.
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