misc photos

antique glass


happy coincidence

angus bodhi cat in 2003


Seth's new nonslip socks

Autumn peeking

Devi amazed

plantage

the maze I'm lost in

Externally I am a happy go lucky compassionate fairly well adjusted woman creeping up on 50 without too many hangups, a good job, a rather settled though still dysfunctional family, and an actively positive outlook on life. Though not religious per se I am religiously adamant about a person's right to follow the path they choose so long as the person does no harm on their trek through the wilderness of "what do I believe?".

I have been experiencing deja vu flashes and brushes with spirit my whole life. The incorporeal just seems closer to me on a day to day basis. I am continually querying what's wrong with me - as stop time images kick in for no reason, or I find myself stymied in mid-thought, sentence or deed. Granted I have worked my way through many of these but there are still those hangers on I can't seem to release.

Thanks to schmutzie who pointed me to BHJ where it was writ clear that perhaps it is my loose ends that are my life-us interruptus.


"It was that. That's what's wrong with me... it was that right there. That's the maze I'm lost in. I will never get over myself."
So here are some of my loose ends.

Being oldest. Not being a son. Mom hiding my blanky when we moved to Winnipeg. Moving to Winnipeg. The creepy Santa at Polo Park. Cora Lynn lost in history. Writing with my right hand. Dead hamster drowned in the toilet over christmas vacation. Not being allowed to play with Larry because he was hungarian. Smushed hornets nests, drowned but still covered in buzzy bits trying to save their babies. Daddy threatening to tie the kittens in a sack and toss them. Believing him. An invisible friend no one else could see or hear that got me into trouble ALL THE TIME.

Wanting to run away from home and never come back, then going back. The crusts on bread that would make hair grow on your chest, but never actually did. Being told I could be an astronaut if that`s what I wanted to be in grade 1. Missing the Winnipeg Centennial parade in which I was to twirl my baton because we were moving away from all of my friends. Gleefully bashing my sister with said baton when she whacked me with the broomstick. Moving to Fort Frances. Searching for a religion that fit me. Being too smart. Hearing my grade 5 math teacher tell me girls weren`t tough enough to be astronauts. `Pummelling my sisters back (supposed to be gently therapeutic) to loosen the phlegm from her bronchial-pneumonia and enjoying the pain it caused. Only getting a Skipper doll and never a Barbie with all those cool shoes and stuff. Being glad that it was my other sister that was scalded with boiling tea and not me. Feeling not-lonely in the graveyards. Smoking - anything. Stealing for the joy of it.

Moving to Brandon. People who visit me when they die (Grampa)and my mom pooh poohing the whole idea. Quitting catholicism in grade 6 because the priest refused to let me be an altar boy`and then being haunted that God would strike me dead.`Sleeping with a butter knife under my pillow because I wasn`t allowed to touch the sharp ones. Odd girl out. Grade six - only 2 girls had breasts and they called me Melons. My teacher stared at my shirts all the time. Being put in the accelerated reading, math and social studies classes and still being bored. Smoking pot with my lady teacher. Tripping over my dog who had so recently been hit by a car he was still warm.

Moving to Estevan and leaving no friends behind. Quitting christianity altogether for its hypocrisy in practice. Having sex so boys would like me and liking the sex more than the boy. Being evil to my mom on purpose. Divorce. high school - pick one there were several and I detested them all.

Ending up in Regina. Quitting school. My mom's boyfriends. Blow, I still smell it in my head. Choosing to settle in all of my intimate relationships. Watching someone die. Almost beating my children. Abandoning Vicious to the farm.

enough.




and then he asks "Did you ever just recognize somebody?". Hells yes. But rarely myself.

question of the day

Which is worse: food obsessions or sex obsessions?

To me they are both oral, aural, and olfactoral. They are interactive activities. They may or may not have some underlying meaning OR they could just be simple pleasurable.

I loved sex - great raunchy fucking each other against the door, on the stairs, in the elevator, the car, the park wherever, even a bed occasionally:) Great sucking smooshing slurping friction noises and the sweet salty tang of passion's sweat. The joy, the urge, that rampant need to get THERE - oh yes and THERE .... and the warm fuzzy cuddle or quick straightening of the accessories. Here there and everywhere, french lace lingerie under grey sweatpants and old rock tshirt, stockings and garters under jeans, and underwires and heels. Always.

I turned it off November 14, 2003. DDay - deadtotheworld day, notgoingthere day, damnhimtohell day, disgustedwithmyself day, don'twantotbeacougar day.

I had entered into a casual but monogamous relationship which when it was over 2 and half years later, left me for the first time in my life, with my dignity, wallet, and family intact. Can you believe it!

I was still dumped - on my freaking birthday, after I had just lost 30 pounds on Atkin's and was down to a size 18 - and for a woman 10 years my senior no less! Talk about knickers in a twist. Sure they had unrequited history from their 20s and 30s - neighbor couples who were best friends and had the hots for the OTHER spouse - but you just didn't act on that sort of thing back then. heavy sigh. Anf though he couldn't have picked a worse day, at least he was honest and didn't muck about first and tell me later, just explained that he thought he might still have "feelings" for her.

I have a "Do not share." policy, so in the end I gues I sort of made the decision to end it - that's just so fucked.

Either way, in a large blue funk and at the originations of my 65 day binge-o-rama my girlfriends dragged me to the Grey Cup tent - where I allowed myself to be picked up by this really hot guy - another story for later - only to discover in the am that he was 26. I'm glad he was older than my 24 year old daughter. It was fun, I had my night of desirable verification.

And then I turned it off. Done Day

The eating replaced it I think - well it had always been there - I enjoy cooking and eating as much as sex - but I think when I shut off the sex it kicked the food compulsion into high gear. I hurt my back in Jan 2004, hello Size 20 In 2005 lots of family problems and $$$ and I ate myself into size 22. Sort of maintained in 2006, but 2007 I wracked my knee at belly dance class - trying to shed some of the weight and ended up with my knee scoped in Jan 2008 - size 24. About 50 pounds a size.

But I don't want a "boyfriend". I don't want a "relationship". I think I just want someone who is casually monogamous to go out with maybe once every 2 weeks and have dinner, do a little dancing and then howl at the moon. Breakfast and Cya in the am.

In the meantime - it's shut your damn mouth - no you can't eat that - only this many calories and I'll work on subsuming the food compulsion. So far 31 pounds since Mid August. Should be down a size by Mid November.

what are you looking at?

alright kiddies. how many of us are there that are too fat or too thin? and I mean 50 pounds overweight or more and maybe 30 pounds underweight or more or less? the only difference is that you can be more overweight pound wise because it's and add to situation and you'd be amazed at what a body will suffer to carry before the pump goes, while when you're underweight there is a limit as to how much can be taken away - and live.

So here are the questions that have tied into week old reefknots in wet string licorice:
are any of us happy the way you are? me - no.
is there a physical reason for your individual mass issues? me - no.
are you aware of what the psychological reasons for the problem are? I think so.
if you are aware of the psych issues - what are you doing about them? me - working on self acceptance.
why are we still sneaking/binging/starving/stuffing/slowly killing ourselves?

I DON"T FUCKING KNOW!!!!!!

and how many of you can really look at yourselves in the mirror - starkers? how do you feel? like you want to strut your stuff on the catwalk? hardly. I figure if I can't stand to look at it - see I said "it" instead of "me" - objectification and distancing .... then I figure no else wants to either, which gives me another reason to eat.

dirty bitching self renewing cycle

I've been the fat happy buddha for the last 5 years and I am so done with it. The bad part is that in order to lose HALF of me - oh yeah - I have to really focus on everything that goes in my mouth, not a happy time for a compulsive addictive semi-multiple personality - let me tell you.

So over the next few months this blog may not be for you. I am using it as the dump and it may not be pretty. You've been warned.

Here is my minimizing manifesto:
1. Since I need to eat 2800+ calories a day to maintain my weight - and I don't want to hear any gasps if you know the math - nor do I wish to see the number of actual pounds again, I am now only allowing myself 1500 healthy calories a day, which is plenty for a sedentary 150 pound 48 year old woman.
2. Eat at least 4 times a day.
3. Plenty of water and green tea.
4. Smaller portions, no more than 2 cups of food at a time - except for salad.
5. One cheat day every two weeks where I can have whatever the hell I want.
6. Avoid places that make me resist temptation because I'm not very good at it.
7. Be as much more active as I can given the jointly limitations I have at the moment.
8. Only get on the scale every 10 days or so and only first thing in the morning.
9. Do not run over the beautiful people with my car.

I am a tad obsessed at the moment. It's because I'm always hungry and I am not happy.

Unfortunately it's self inflicted and only self resolved.

psssst

I have a secret.

I had to tell someone.

Just that I had one not what it is ;)




gotcha

well now

Have you ever made a decision to do something you were pretty sure was a bad idea but you really wanted to do it at the time, and so you convinced yourself that it really wasn't a bad idea - that was just all that peer pressure bullshit getting in the way of you having a really fabulous time?

word of the day: self delusion.

sometimes it is just a bad idea.

Found

One sleek hot black one piece with a key hole back and red pinstriping for snorkling on the Negril reefs in jamaica. half price.

it really was meant to be.

Five oclock and bumper to bumper fumes billow horns bellow.
A pool of silence in the cacophony of rush hour traffic, alone in my car.

Alone is like being a river - it just goes on never ending,
slowly eroding the need for "the one",
desire sinking quietly into the riverbed to lay fallow and mostly unnoticed.

The longer it lasts, the easier it becomes not to make an effort to change it.
No one to answer to, no one to disappoint, self contained, self-alienated, cloistered.

Watching the thunderstorms of other's lives makes me tired sometimes.

actually Sunday

and I'm up way to early!

Errands to run, people to see.

Later gator.

over sensitive

Today I'm being over sensitive - or maybe not. I know I do feel a bit left over and odd woman out. Is it reasonable for me to feel this way? Who knows. That doesn't really matter cause the feelings are still there. What a pathetic fucking creature I am.

just freaking stop.

Stop telling me what I should do. Really. Stop it.

I know what I should do and it's my own damn choice since it's my life to spend.
Yes, that is selfish.
Too fuckin' bad.

Everyone SHOULD just look in their own back yards and keep the fuck out of mine until there's is in some half assed order.

I look after my self moderately well. I have educated myself. I have a successful career. I have a double handful of good friends for which I am eternally grateful and countless chums who were put here for my amusement. And I have a retirement plan.
My parents AND my kids love me.
I have the coolest grandchildren on the planet.
I actually like my son-in-law.
I have a comfoirtable home and I am not in debt up to my ass. knees maybe but there's still lots of room to do some travelling.

Looks pretty good from here.

rat bastard

He is the definition.

after midnite - again...

Well here we are, my multiplicity of voices in my head with several of them trying to get out so that when I do speak I seem to be speaking in tongues and when I try to go to sleep one or the other of them is constantly NATTERING IN MY EAR WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Not working.

So I'm a little crazy today.

I bought a new toilet seat and I can't get the old one off.
I've perused the ever growing pile of laundry in my room but I just bought some new duds so it'll wait another day or two.
I bought a new carpet with the Dao symbol on it for balance and couldn't center it correctly on the older carpet.
I remembered my vitamins and forgot my anti biotic.
I miss donuts and all things sugary and it is doing nothing for the figure.
I want my freaking kitchen done - NOW!!!!
The boys are moving to Victoria so they adopted the hyacinth to me - please don't let me kill it. Several of the plants suicided this winter.
I want to go camping but it's stilltoo cold.
I want a buddy with benefits and no liabilities but I'm too something to dump the poundage that would make that task so much simpler.
I cry at everything for no apparent reason, but I laugh at the same time.
Plans plans plans - procrastinate x 3
And then it's back to the cycle - damn I'm tired

Been awhile

I was sick. Now I'm mostly better. I have whined enough.
Visited with family and had a great visit with dad, plated Dakar, took a short road trip and remortgaged the condo at a damn fine rate. I'm halfway through customizing the pattern for Abigail's wedding dress, I've at least started my taxes, and the nebulous plans for a kitchen seem to becoming a bit more tangible.

Yesterday I even made it to the pub to see my O'Hooligans, catch up on some lovin' from Miss Stacy, sunshine from Mistress Abigail, and hugs all'round Sang Nickless a happy bday at karaoke (it was all of us) - definitely not a solo performance. He had a pussy on his cake.

My desk is mostly caught up.

So why can I see nothing but this knee limping, muffin topped, waddle wagging, vulture-winged, bristly bitchy bitter old bag. Cause I am feeling old - a strange thing for me because I usually feel 8. The last few weeks mostly just sucked and not in a good way. A couple of hot flashes - my - THOSE are fun. The antibiotics I was on required me to eat 4 times a day and I'm sure that in the middle of trying to reduce the muffin top to tartlet size I have put on 10 pounds and nothing fits right now.

My favorite bra had a blowout and the wire actually scraped a gash in my side in its mad escape from my blouse, and the lingerie store has no replacements, nothing but horse harnesses = blech!!! It's not like I can go braless and still have a working back and any dignity. I have chocolate (70% cocoa sugar free) stashed in my purse/desk/backpack and I haven't done that in years, and I am sure I've smoked 4 packs of smokes since last Monday when I have been down to about a pack a week for the last 6 months.

But I did manage 6 minutes in the standup yesterday and that was fabulous.

Imagine you can now hear George Carlin's 7 words.

monday and back to work

At least I feel like working, however my hand eye coordination certainly leaves something to be desired this morning. Which sucks because when you're a writer using a keyboard ...

However - I am not behind, my boss seems happy with me, and it's only a 3 days week what with Easter and all, and all. Sorry, but since I read Catcher in the Rye a month ago, that "and all" seems to pop up more regularly than "Eh!" for a Canadian. By the hundred little gods, that book sucked.

Well, enough slacking, done my break and it's back to work y'all. Catch you this weekend.

saturday ...already

My face stiil looks like richard nixon, but the ear pressure went away last nite. 2nd round of even stronger anti biotics. Yay!

I oh so love my life right now.

well...

Music makes me cry this week, and movies, and the occasional commercial. Always bright on the outside, my inside worlds are colliding, and the destruction is starting to spread. Regret weighs me down, guilt shrivels my desire to talk to people, sweet sleep is a surcease to pain long buried and newly resurrected, if only I could grasp it more than a couple of hours at a time.

Plans made and tossed aside for what seemed like good reasons at the time and now seem to be flimsy rationalizations. Wasted resources, relationships, and opportunities gibber their derision behind my eyes, rubbing my nose in my own misjudgements.

It's so quiet that I can hear all the voices chittering at me at the same time, a cacophonous dirge of drivel I can do nothing about. I thought I was past this.

sociopaths

According to the crackbook quiz I am one. hmmmmmm. Sounds like my shrink when I was 14, but he said it was all my mom's fault. She's dead now so does that mean I have to take responsibility for my own shit, or can I pass the blame on to someone else? I wonder if I have his name - the shrink's I mean - nah he's probably dead too. Maybe it was just a phase and I've grown out of it. Then again maybe not.

metallic mineral particles clinging to horsehair

the great search

Should any deny they are searchers they shall be telling an untruth and be deluding themselves or else they be dead.

As a child we search for stability comfort and inclusion.
In the teenager awakens a thirst for a larger understanding of their place in the pattern.
Often as not in adulthood, we give up on the mystical, and through the application of skepticism think we have become cynics or even atheists.
I beg to differ on the grounds of the "great other", that indefinable something that we all know as just out of reach or around the next corner. What about those questions that everyone I know who has been close to death were still asking, "Why was I here? What was the point? What happens now? Did my life really matter?"

The search has infinite paths, and though we may successfully conclude many of them throughout a lifetime, there is always another looming on the horizon of your unconsciousness. The search defines who we are.

I am searching for freedom, love, and a surcease from pain/desire, yet I continually take steps that extenuate both states.

What are you searching for?