patience

I find myself in a singularly strange place. The sugar has a bee in his bonnet that I am seeing someone else. I have not. I have told him I have not. I thought the nascent friendship was a done deal but apparently not. It might be a week or 10 days between calls, but he does call. After 10 days, I call him. He always picks up or calls back fairly soon. That's a good thing.

Did I mention I do things backwards. Synopsis. Met him. We spent probably 12 hours on the phone in 5 days. He came over - sparks flew. We saw each other regularly for about 10 weeks. He makes a statement that he is getting too attached so better a small hurt now than a big one later, because he ALWAYS gets burned. I figure it's over. He calls.

I haven't seen him in 6 or 7 weeks, the calls are coming more often again. Conversation is less stilted. Okay. Works for me. If I can go 6 years 6 weeks is no biggy ;)

Missed his call Thursday, called him back Friday. Told him where I was Thurs blah blah blah, we rang off. 20 minutes later he called back? In a fairly accusatory manner he questioned how I could take my grandson to a baseball game in the nasty/rain hail storm and then for ice cream? I calmly corrected him and repeated that I went to the grandson's because he was supposed to have a game and he asked me to go, yes I drive through crazy rain and some hail on Elphinstone to get there, the league had not yet called to cancel the game but that was fairly obvious so I took the grands to the store for ice cream.

He then went on about women being untruthful which is why he lives alone and doesn't want a relationship of any kind. NOTE : HE CALLS ME. An I correct him again to say that PEOPLE lie. Wish they wouldn't but they do and rapped of my list of getting burned by men (2 engagements 2 divorces and misc). Not having a leg to stand on he agrees and the conversation continues.

But now I'm actually angry. Don't get me wrong - I like him and consider him my friend but this is not an invested "relationship" for me. This conversation, some opposite gender attention that makes me feel all womanly, and some really great sex. And it would be great if he thought the same - even though it is what he professes.

So I asked him if he was seeing anyone? No. He asked me and I said no the only man that I've seen since we started visiting is you. But you haven't seen me in awhile he says to me. What so he thinks I'll just run out and find someone else??? stupid man.

My response:I have told you no every time you ask and the point here is that until you decide that you will trust what I say I am aware that you will not believe me. Nor will you believe anyone I know because you have decided in your head that I - like all the other women in your life will burn you too. I am not like that. I do not see two men at the same time, poor form.

And then I told him that I was NOT looking for the relationship, but enjoyed his company and conversation and the great sex. I also told him I had some patience and was willing to wait and see if he could get past his instinct to find reality.

So he changed the subject and about half an hour later said he'd call me tomorrow and we rang off.

I missed his call today as I was at a bbq.

So that's 3 calls in 3 days and the first argument. I'm fair dinkum sure he got the message. The question is how much patience do I want to have here?

If only I had never been in his shoes.

textures

Live sun warmed mahogany, supple and smooth yet strong and flexible with its years solidly rooted in the here and now. Aubergine rich bitterness until salted raising questions all along the taste buds. Doubled velvet so soft it mimics fur without the sneezing. Melodious tones and belly warming chuckles that ignite a smile from the inside out. Spicy hot aromas floating from the kitchen playing olfactory tug of war with the cinnamon of flesh and murmurs from the deeps.

today is a full moon

I always want to go out and howl this time in the lunar cysle, and often find myself having gone that extra step or two over the line, usually with video proof, ecause I always tell the peeps that they are exaggerating. Gotta love technology ;) But then I have a camera TOO>

Wish me luck - I have to get through an entire 3 day weekend in the rain. I know I'm drip dry but honestly ... what about the hair?

sugar

I simply want to reach out and gobble you up.

But I'm not allowed.

That sucks.

oh my!

Sometimes I should just shut my pie hole. Not everyone wants to hear the questions I have to ask, and in fact I seem most pressed to ask those who will react worst most. Got it? The content is details.

Shut up.Shut up.Shut up.Shut up.Shut up.Shut up.Shut up.Shut up.Shut up.

Just don't.

progress?

The ongoing saga:

I called mr. sunshine on Friday and he had plans to watch the hockey game so I made plans to go out and visit some friends I hadn't seen for a bit. It had been a crazy week at work and I'd mostly stayed in of an evening fighting with my insomnia. So when my nephew called and asked me to come down to the pub cause my friends were wondering where I was, away I went. After the pub we hit the gaslight and later the club, and I was home round 1:30. Saturday did some running around and kept it on the down low.

Sunday at 8:20 in the morning mr. sunshine calls. I missed it because I was in the basement doing laundry, so I called him back when I got upstairs. It was kind of strange and really very early to be calling on a sunday, especially mother's day, but whatever. We had a lovely chat about what had gone on during the week, caught up on what we'd been doing and Seth's ball game and the playoffs etc. I told him my plans for the day and he shared his. Regular stuff. He got interrupted with call irritating and then he called me back. We talked for a while longer and then rang off.

But why so early? On a sunday? Just seemed strange.

Mom's day

I miss my mom with all my heart. Sometimes I don't think about her for weeks on end I'm sure, and that's okay, she's been gone almost 18 years. But then there are those moments when I get a flash out of the corner of my eye and I am absolutely positive to the center of my being that she just turned a corner down the street.

And there I stand frozen, amid the rush of downtown pedestrians, lost in enough misery it's all I can do to stand there and not sob. An island of emptiness in the flow of everyday life. It fades, what seems like hours was only a minute or two, but damn.

And then there are the occasions like my grandotter's 10th birthday that I really wish she could have celebrated with us. She would have been so proud of the job Amanda is doing and loved Miss Devi to bits.

I was at the park yesterday watching some families of geese with the teeny newborn goslings all fluffy yellow and got a warm fuzzy thinking that mom would have been taking that picture too.

Mom, your image may not be in my brain any longer but your laughter will forever peal in my heart and your compassion is a constant reminder to live doing the least damage.

Love you always.

passive defiance

Thank you Ghandiji.

The persistence of flowing water will etch new rivers in the bedrock. The mindless unrelenting pressure of gravity births diamonds.

Here I stand.

listening

The meter of raindrops hitting pavement, air redolent with new grown grass.
Radiators in the last throws of k-chinking before their seasonal nap.
Creaks in moisture locked doors and squeaky winter locked windows.

Morning surprise,
a whitened world, crunchy underneath quickly melting slightly frozen water.

My sunshine is still missing.

contrariness

So we had a great long conversation today - much like all of our previous conversations even though we haven't spoken in a week. I haven't called because I don't really know if I should be, given the circumstances and trying to be diplomatic. Apparently he didn't call because he wasn't sure if he should be intruding in my life after our last convo even though he said he'd call.

So we're both thinking about each other and doing nothing about it.

Fucking ridiculous.

I think we've managed to sort that out anyway.

Chatting about the music he's listening to, a great reggae beat, he explains that it's all about the feeling and the lyric and what it means. It's not something to just pop along in your car to but something to really pay attention to. The singer is tellin' a woman he's always there for her - she's never alone, she can always call on him and the woman answers that she will always be fine because she knows she's never alone, cause he'll always be there on the other end of the line. Just lyrics?

Then we talked about trust and real friendship and politeness and treating people decently and not making judgements without knowing who the people are and giving them a chance to show that their inside doesn't always match the outside. Sure some people are whom they seem on first glance but most of us are so much more. So again we have pretty much the same opinion about how to treat people, with respect until they prove differently.

And then threads back to not having many real friends cause then you have to trust them, and most people aren't trustworthy. A point of contention. Maybe not most but I think that that is a healthy percentage of trustworthy folk out there - well most days.

And then a lot of other stuff about violence and boxing and hockey and back to music, and driving, and age, oh and some chain pulling, and gardens.

anonymity

I know what anonymity is supposed to be, but when combined with the interwebs and the blogdasphere, can you really remain anonymous? Sure sign up for a new webmail address somewhere - a pain - then register with blogspot etal - more pain and passwords to track - fill in all the blanks with fake info to obscure the path for any truly stalky people - biggest pain. And then write to your heart's content, without using any real names or places or dates.

I might as well write a freaking novella.

Then, once you have it begun, how do you direct the people you want to read that blog to GO to that blog, without spilling the personality beans? Won't they, if they are any kind of observant or familiar with you or your work, figure it out fairly easily?

Or maybe I should just write what I need and take the ultimate consequences for trying to work out my shit in a relatively public venue, then refuse to discuss anything I write on my blog in person, therefore creating some distance in which to cogitate before rampaging and ruining my everday personal relationships?

hmmmm.

Maybe I should go back to paper.

tower windows

Guess I'll have to incorporate some windows and maybe a balcony into the tower - he called Wednesday. I was getting ready to grill a steak for supper and he asked me who I was cooking for??? and I find myself just not knowing what to say.

Ha ha. Not funny.

I have however, determined that I miss him.

damn.

the tower of solitude

Once upon a time there was a young woman who opened her heart to all and sundry. It got trampled. Over and over and over. She kept on putting it out there and it kept getting thumped on and broken and cracked and burned and yet it kept on working and she just kept on opening the door in search of happyness. Try as she might - she could never find that one person that everyone kept telling her was out there waiting for her. She thought she had a few times, but she was wrong, and those were some of the worst heart rendings because the ones she found had MOST of what she was looking for, but they were to far flawed, but still she made it through. Her heart was a little raggedy when she glimpsed certain profiles out the corner of her eye, there were pieces missing that she would never recover because she had given them away never to be returned, and there were a few dead patches where the burns had never really recovered after the torching of the original heartland, but the majority was still pumping away and attempting continuous self repair.

The last serious "friendship" she engaged in was based on just that friendship and shared joy. It worked for a while, neither side wanting the permanency of the whole living together thing. It was great for her, but he was quite a bit older and eventually wanted to find someone more in tune generationally. The more mature yet still young at heart woman took it harder than she had imagined because the heart strings had not followed orders and gotten tangled up in some minor chords when they were told to stay silent. The untangling was sharply painful for a short time and after that the woman decided fuck it - enough.

She built her tower back up (the foundations were still there from teenhood and two divorces) - where the heart can be defended and not defeated. She isolated herself from those intimate friendships that only lead to heartache. Sick of pain, she detested the wrack of self doubt that was the end of every such friendship because no matter what they said she always felt it was something about her. She embraced the abnegation of society's dictum that every woman NEEDS a man, or at least that special partner in her life.

For almost seven years she kept true to that isolation. Sure it was lonely sometimes. Sure she missed the intimate companionship of that "someone special", but those momentary lapses didn't even begin to copmare to the benefits of growing a whole new set of real friendships, of determining what she wanted to do with the rest of her life, purchasing her first home, or being truly single for the first time since she was 16. Learning to live with all her good and bad parts and working through decades of previous resentment and regret until she could stand on the top of the tower and see for miles and miles an miles and maybe - look herself straight in a mirror. Oh yeah.

The last couple of years in tower she started to build a deck at the base, inviting a select minority close enough for the heart strings to perk up. Then she began to wonder if the self imposed solitude wasn't now more of a hindrance or an escape instead of a haven of safety. She eventually decided that the tower would have to come down, and not being one for general procrastination, timber... and away it went.

Starting over. So there she was, kind of shiny and new, still tentative about her physical self but grounded spiritually and on balance (for the most part) emotionally. She took the big step and was truly joyful that she had, but it opened other doors long shuttered.

And then she met a gentleman who had also been spending time in a self imposed tower, and the door to his seemed to be swinging open. A quirky coincidence in a world full of them. They looked each other right in the eye and they weren't strangers. They spent long hours on the phone and talked about everything under the sun: politics, culture, music, framily, even religion all sprinkled with interjections that both cherished their independence and did not want a "relationship" because both had been burned before. He made her smile and laugh and feel womanly, and his laugh was a smooth deep rumble that came right from the belly. When they were together the sparks flew, phantasmagorical would be a good word.

Then he called her because he had this gut feeling that she was interested in some one else - NOT. She hadn't even looked, she denied it. He only half believed her - he told her directly. She was seriously confused. Where the hell did that come from? They'd spoken just Yesterday and seen each other less than a week before. After much discussion he admitted he was stressed because maybe he was becoming too "attached" to her.

Figures: Everything was going too well, everything fit. But he was completely freaked about it growing into a "relationship" in which he was sure he would get burned. She had assured him at the beginning that she wasn't looking for the "commitment". He saw that the more time they spent together the more attached he became and since historically he always got burned, he did not want to work through that pain ever again - that was why he built his tower in the first place. Both of them thought they could be "really" good friends without commitment to more than intimate exclusivity. He finally decided to believe that she was truth telling when she said he was the only one. She tried to get him to understand that just because she was not actively looking for that "relationship", that didn't mean she was adverse to considering it if it happened to develop. He said it'll hurt even more if it lasts a year. The intimacy that they had been sharing had grown despite their denials, it had become more than "just casual".

He told her he really cared for her,it was all him and his fear of betrayal. But they could still talk on the phone right? She told him how much she enjoyed the conversations and said yes. Then he asked, "we're still good friends right, so they could go out for drinks, or visit each other. Do things more slowly"

And she was confused: was the intimate part of the friendship ending because he was more afraid of the possible future pain and did he think that if they stopped the physical part of their friendship the attachment would go away?". Because as far as she was concerned their conversations just made the attachment all that much deeper - but maybe it was different for him.

And he hoped she wasn't angry and she was still his friend.

And she started hauling stone for a new tower of her own.

mmm mmm good

Amazing how every friendship you have evolves through the dynamic that you share. Transported to places never even imagined. Knowledge that you assumed was held by everyone over the age of 25, is not. Slap. About face.

Personal experience mirrors his in some ways and yet in others I am apparently from an entirely foreign planet. Talk about disconcertingly enticing. Murky with mystery, sharp with risk, and sweet with anticipation, an argentinian tango playing over a deep reggae beat. Ground and grounded. I want you but on my terms, are they the same as your terms, I want to keep my independence and I want you to keep yours, and you want yours and mine but come here for a bit, and now I'm busy you're busy, telephone tag, waiting for a call, ending a call, hours on the phone, wanting it all and not at all. Big secrets little funnies, history and future plans, family, friends, enemies, work, home, and holiday, all up for discussion.

Touch, the gentle fire brighter than a nuclear storm. Soul watching bright eyes. A gentle pressure in the middle of your back, a finger along a jawline, a brush of a hip as you turn a corner. Breath in your hair, the grasp of a wrist and the softest kiss hello/goodbye/seeyousoon.

all wound up in a single tasty package.

whew

disaster avoided - back on track.

personal saboteur

How many times have you gotten to a place in your life where everything finally seems normal? How many times has it blown up in your face? Whose fault was it?

Good job, nice home, great friends. A new found confidence and a centeredness that's been missing for a long time. A real laugh, not just bravado or simple amusement. Sure the kids are going through some rough times but that isn't really my worry, that's what life is about, finding your way through it. The rest of the family seems to be working out their various problems, it all takes time. I even took a chance and started to build another friendship. And I think I've blown it entirely.

All my fault.

I had no idea how much it would hurt when John died. It was all so long ago and we had found a way back to the friendship after the foo fur rah settled out. But when I got the news I simply lost it. Granted I've lost 2 other friends in the last 6 weeks, but man oh man.

I went home and decided to try and numb it. Might not have been the best decision since half way into the bottle my friend called. With a friendship in its infancy - where both of you have expressed your fears about relationships, a needy pain wracked maudlin drunk is not something you necessarily want to inflict on the other person. The first two hours of the conversation - ok. but then there is about an hour gap. I don't know what I said. I don't know what he said. Vaguish memories taunt me now, and I fear that I have once again sabotaged my own happiness.

I called him the next day. Thanked him for listening, apologized for any foolishness, he said no worries - I didn't put anything on him. And there was a fair silence when I told him I didn't remember that last hour on the phone. Me and my blatant honesty should learn to shut up. I have no idea where that leaves the friendship. I'm betting he doesn't call back.

And I am back to square one - or maybe minus five - I don't even know.

And I did it to myself.

Fuck.

april showers ...

It isn't actually raining and it was a beautiful week end, but it is back to work and though spring is in the air I am still shaking off the winter doldrums.



Early Friday road trip to the Jaw and pa pa. Took the boyo and miss enchanting for coffee. Everything seems to be going well out there and it was great to see the rents. The kids even inherited an new little freezer and some file cabinets for their new house.



It was a fair quiet weekend though I did spend Saturday visiting, and had an absolute blast with the crew at the dance party Saturday night ~ great idea Abigail.



The grand children have given up the ghost on the tooth fairy and the easter bunny - so sad, thanks to their TEACHERs - who have likely murdered Santa in the process and who really ought to keep their respective noses out of the cultural myths we choose to relate to our children. I really would like to smack both those women ~ don't kids have to grow up too soon as it is ~ you have to steal the magic too?



I did realize this week that my compassion is more deeply rooted than any resentment or sense of betrayal I may be hanging onto. Big step forward.



Deb is getting better slowly but last night she was coughing so deeply that I pretty much stayed up all night and sneaked into her room every hour and a half or so - to check that she's breathing - cause I was having nightmares about calling 911 in the morning. I was so happy to hear her voice when her alarm went off at 7am. Whew!



Otherwise it was a lovely 3 days off and I am looking forward to a similar weekend shortly.

delayed gratification

Is supposed to be a good thing. The increased anticipation heightens your awareness. With your senses are peaking, you become just that much more sensitive to the vibes around you. You look forward instead of backward, creating an aura of positivism .... Right?

Or you feel like you're walking around waiting for someone to trigger a freaking heart attack. Hmmm not so positive.

I'm thinking a little less delay and a little more gratification may be in order.

it's been awhile ...

Long hours in soft conversation punctuated by belly laughs and shared phrases. Straight up intimate questions that get gut honest answers with no bullshit in the way. Exploring diverging experience and philosophies to determine mutual boundaries. Learning the differences in perspective by seeking to bridge a cultural divide without becoming defensive, just because of difference. Celebrating diversity in a whole new way.

Allowing those ideas and opinions long held in silence to be aired with someone you are just getting to know, when you would not previously explore them even with your best friends. Relishing the newness, the creation of a friendship without ulterior motives because you both have the same approximate game plan where neither party is looking for some pie in the sky silver lined dream world, but a rooted earthy understanding between adults who like each other but are not even close to giving up their independence.

The little joy that jolts you when he calls, just because he calls and his voice makes you smile because all he really wants at that moment is to talk to you. Recognizing that the connection seems like its been there forever, there is a comfortableness in play that came out of nowhere - old friends newly met and having him bring that very subject up in our last conversation.

Telling me that he considers me his very good friend on a level above and beyond the physical sense, that I am a beautiful intelligent woman who deeply interests him and allowing myself to believe him. It's hard for broken people to take that leap - to open up and trust that you won't get burned again. Stepping out of a purposefully insulated years worn cocoon where intimate involvement is concerned is a damn scary thing. For him and I. Finding the other person willing to discuss and explore that fear at length, in terms of the friendship you are currently building - that's a priceless gift.

To find that respectful inclusion coupled with a similarity in passion - don't think I've ever been here before.

But man, our worlds are different.

schedule

Tues - concert
Wed - tanning & laundry (which I again did not do)
Thurs - visit with Luanne, actually do the laundry
Fri - Tanning, Remi's bday at BPs, karaoke and something else I've forgotten
Sat - sugar and Minda's bday at McNally's
Sun - house stuff, sewing
Mon - tanning
Tues - Ryan's bday @ OHans
Wed - ST PADDYs day
Thurs - vacay - recovering