Apr 29, 2010


I know what anonymity is supposed to be, but when combined with the interwebs and the blogdasphere, can you really remain anonymous? Sure sign up for a new webmail address somewhere - a pain - then register with blogspot etal - more pain and passwords to track - fill in all the blanks with fake info to obscure the path for any truly stalky people - biggest pain. And then write to your heart's content, without using any real names or places or dates.

I might as well write a freaking novella.

Then, once you have it begun, how do you direct the people you want to read that blog to GO to that blog, without spilling the personality beans? Won't they, if they are any kind of observant or familiar with you or your work, figure it out fairly easily?

Or maybe I should just write what I need and take the ultimate consequences for trying to work out my shit in a relatively public venue, then refuse to discuss anything I write on my blog in person, therefore creating some distance in which to cogitate before rampaging and ruining my everday personal relationships?


Maybe I should go back to paper.

Apr 23, 2010

tower windows

Guess I'll have to incorporate some windows and maybe a balcony into the tower - he called Wednesday. I was getting ready to grill a steak for supper and he asked me who I was cooking for??? and I find myself just not knowing what to say.

Ha ha. Not funny.

I have however, determined that I miss him.


Apr 20, 2010

the tower of solitude

Once upon a time there was a young woman who opened her heart to all and sundry. It got trampled. Over and over and over. She kept on putting it out there and it kept getting thumped on and broken and cracked and burned and yet it kept on working and she just kept on opening the door in search of happyness. Try as she might - she could never find that one person that everyone kept telling her was out there waiting for her. She thought she had a few times, but she was wrong, and those were some of the worst heart rendings because the ones she found had MOST of what she was looking for, but they were to far flawed, but still she made it through. Her heart was a little raggedy when she glimpsed certain profiles out the corner of her eye, there were pieces missing that she would never recover because she had given them away never to be returned, and there were a few dead patches where the burns had never really recovered after the torching of the original heartland, but the majority was still pumping away and attempting continuous self repair.

The last serious "friendship" she engaged in was based on just that friendship and shared joy. It worked for a while, neither side wanting the permanency of the whole living together thing. It was great for her, but he was quite a bit older and eventually wanted to find someone more in tune generationally. The more mature yet still young at heart woman took it harder than she had imagined because the heart strings had not followed orders and gotten tangled up in some minor chords when they were told to stay silent. The untangling was sharply painful for a short time and after that the woman decided fuck it - enough.

She built her tower back up (the foundations were still there from teenhood and two divorces) - where the heart can be defended and not defeated. She isolated herself from those intimate friendships that only lead to heartache. Sick of pain, she detested the wrack of self doubt that was the end of every such friendship because no matter what they said she always felt it was something about her. She embraced the abnegation of society's dictum that every woman NEEDS a man, or at least that special partner in her life.

For almost seven years she kept true to that isolation. Sure it was lonely sometimes. Sure she missed the intimate companionship of that "someone special", but those momentary lapses didn't even begin to copmare to the benefits of growing a whole new set of real friendships, of determining what she wanted to do with the rest of her life, purchasing her first home, or being truly single for the first time since she was 16. Learning to live with all her good and bad parts and working through decades of previous resentment and regret until she could stand on the top of the tower and see for miles and miles an miles and maybe - look herself straight in a mirror. Oh yeah.

The last couple of years in tower she started to build a deck at the base, inviting a select minority close enough for the heart strings to perk up. Then she began to wonder if the self imposed solitude wasn't now more of a hindrance or an escape instead of a haven of safety. She eventually decided that the tower would have to come down, and not being one for general procrastination, timber... and away it went.

Starting over. So there she was, kind of shiny and new, still tentative about her physical self but grounded spiritually and on balance (for the most part) emotionally. She took the big step and was truly joyful that she had, but it opened other doors long shuttered.

And then she met a gentleman who had also been spending time in a self imposed tower, and the door to his seemed to be swinging open. A quirky coincidence in a world full of them. They looked each other right in the eye and they weren't strangers. They spent long hours on the phone and talked about everything under the sun: politics, culture, music, framily, even religion all sprinkled with interjections that both cherished their independence and did not want a "relationship" because both had been burned before. He made her smile and laugh and feel womanly, and his laugh was a smooth deep rumble that came right from the belly. When they were together the sparks flew, phantasmagorical would be a good word.

Then he called her because he had this gut feeling that she was interested in some one else - NOT. She hadn't even looked, she denied it. He only half believed her - he told her directly. She was seriously confused. Where the hell did that come from? They'd spoken just Yesterday and seen each other less than a week before. After much discussion he admitted he was stressed because maybe he was becoming too "attached" to her.

Figures: Everything was going too well, everything fit. But he was completely freaked about it growing into a "relationship" in which he was sure he would get burned. She had assured him at the beginning that she wasn't looking for the "commitment". He saw that the more time they spent together the more attached he became and since historically he always got burned, he did not want to work through that pain ever again - that was why he built his tower in the first place. Both of them thought they could be "really" good friends without commitment to more than intimate exclusivity. He finally decided to believe that she was truth telling when she said he was the only one. She tried to get him to understand that just because she was not actively looking for that "relationship", that didn't mean she was adverse to considering it if it happened to develop. He said it'll hurt even more if it lasts a year. The intimacy that they had been sharing had grown despite their denials, it had become more than "just casual".

He told her he really cared for her,it was all him and his fear of betrayal. But they could still talk on the phone right? She told him how much she enjoyed the conversations and said yes. Then he asked, "we're still good friends right, so they could go out for drinks, or visit each other. Do things more slowly"

And she was confused: was the intimate part of the friendship ending because he was more afraid of the possible future pain and did he think that if they stopped the physical part of their friendship the attachment would go away?". Because as far as she was concerned their conversations just made the attachment all that much deeper - but maybe it was different for him.

And he hoped she wasn't angry and she was still his friend.

And she started hauling stone for a new tower of her own.

Apr 14, 2010

mmm mmm good

Amazing how every friendship you have evolves through the dynamic that you share. Transported to places never even imagined. Knowledge that you assumed was held by everyone over the age of 25, is not. Slap. About face.

Personal experience mirrors his in some ways and yet in others I am apparently from an entirely foreign planet. Talk about disconcertingly enticing. Murky with mystery, sharp with risk, and sweet with anticipation, an argentinian tango playing over a deep reggae beat. Ground and grounded. I want you but on my terms, are they the same as your terms, I want to keep my independence and I want you to keep yours, and you want yours and mine but come here for a bit, and now I'm busy you're busy, telephone tag, waiting for a call, ending a call, hours on the phone, wanting it all and not at all. Big secrets little funnies, history and future plans, family, friends, enemies, work, home, and holiday, all up for discussion.

Touch, the gentle fire brighter than a nuclear storm. Soul watching bright eyes. A gentle pressure in the middle of your back, a finger along a jawline, a brush of a hip as you turn a corner. Breath in your hair, the grasp of a wrist and the softest kiss hello/goodbye/seeyousoon.

all wound up in a single tasty package.

Apr 7, 2010

personal saboteur

How many times have you gotten to a place in your life where everything finally seems normal? How many times has it blown up in your face? Whose fault was it?

Good job, nice home, great friends. A new found confidence and a centeredness that's been missing for a long time. A real laugh, not just bravado or simple amusement. Sure the kids are going through some rough times but that isn't really my worry, that's what life is about, finding your way through it. The rest of the family seems to be working out their various problems, it all takes time. I even took a chance and started to build another friendship. And I think I've blown it entirely.

All my fault.

I had no idea how much it would hurt when John died. It was all so long ago and we had found a way back to the friendship after the foo fur rah settled out. But when I got the news I simply lost it. Granted I've lost 2 other friends in the last 6 weeks, but man oh man.

I went home and decided to try and numb it. Might not have been the best decision since half way into the bottle my friend called. With a friendship in its infancy - where both of you have expressed your fears about relationships, a needy pain wracked maudlin drunk is not something you necessarily want to inflict on the other person. The first two hours of the conversation - ok. but then there is about an hour gap. I don't know what I said. I don't know what he said. Vaguish memories taunt me now, and I fear that I have once again sabotaged my own happiness.

I called him the next day. Thanked him for listening, apologized for any foolishness, he said no worries - I didn't put anything on him. And there was a fair silence when I told him I didn't remember that last hour on the phone. Me and my blatant honesty should learn to shut up. I have no idea where that leaves the friendship. I'm betting he doesn't call back.

And I am back to square one - or maybe minus five - I don't even know.

And I did it to myself.


Apr 5, 2010

april showers ...

It isn't actually raining and it was a beautiful week end, but it is back to work and though spring is in the air I am still shaking off the winter doldrums.

Early Friday road trip to the Jaw and pa pa. Took the boyo and miss enchanting for coffee. Everything seems to be going well out there and it was great to see the rents. The kids even inherited an new little freezer and some file cabinets for their new house.

It was a fair quiet weekend though I did spend Saturday visiting, and had an absolute blast with the crew at the dance party Saturday night ~ great idea Abigail.

The grand children have given up the ghost on the tooth fairy and the easter bunny - so sad, thanks to their TEACHERs - who have likely murdered Santa in the process and who really ought to keep their respective noses out of the cultural myths we choose to relate to our children. I really would like to smack both those women ~ don't kids have to grow up too soon as it is ~ you have to steal the magic too?

I did realize this week that my compassion is more deeply rooted than any resentment or sense of betrayal I may be hanging onto. Big step forward.

Deb is getting better slowly but last night she was coughing so deeply that I pretty much stayed up all night and sneaked into her room every hour and a half or so - to check that she's breathing - cause I was having nightmares about calling 911 in the morning. I was so happy to hear her voice when her alarm went off at 7am. Whew!

Otherwise it was a lovely 3 days off and I am looking forward to a similar weekend shortly.