How many times have you gotten to a place in your life where everything finally seems normal? How many times has it blown up in your face? Whose fault was it?
Good job, nice home, great friends. A new found confidence and a centeredness that's been missing for a long time. A real laugh, not just bravado or simple amusement. Sure the kids are going through some rough times but that isn't really my worry, that's what life is about, finding your way through it. The rest of the family seems to be working out their various problems, it all takes time. I even took a chance and started to build another friendship. And I think I've blown it entirely.
All my fault.
I had no idea how much it would hurt when John died. It was all so long ago and we had found a way back to the friendship after the foo fur rah settled out. But when I got the news I simply lost it. Granted I've lost 2 other friends in the last 6 weeks, but man oh man.
I went home and decided to try and numb it. Might not have been the best decision since half way into the bottle my friend called. With a friendship in its infancy - where both of you have expressed your fears about relationships, a needy pain wracked maudlin drunk is not something you necessarily want to inflict on the other person. The first two hours of the conversation - ok. but then there is about an hour gap. I don't know what I said. I don't know what he said. Vaguish memories taunt me now, and I fear that I have once again sabotaged my own happiness.
I called him the next day. Thanked him for listening, apologized for any foolishness, he said no worries - I didn't put anything on him. And there was a fair silence when I told him I didn't remember that last hour on the phone. Me and my blatant honesty should learn to shut up. I have no idea where that leaves the friendship. I'm betting he doesn't call back.
And I am back to square one - or maybe minus five - I don't even know.
And I did it to myself.
Fuck.
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