what are you looking at?

alright kiddies. how many of us are there that are too fat or too thin? and I mean 50 pounds overweight or more and maybe 30 pounds underweight or more or less? the only difference is that you can be more overweight pound wise because it's and add to situation and you'd be amazed at what a body will suffer to carry before the pump goes, while when you're underweight there is a limit as to how much can be taken away - and live.

So here are the questions that have tied into week old reefknots in wet string licorice:
are any of us happy the way you are? me - no.
is there a physical reason for your individual mass issues? me - no.
are you aware of what the psychological reasons for the problem are? I think so.
if you are aware of the psych issues - what are you doing about them? me - working on self acceptance.
why are we still sneaking/binging/starving/stuffing/slowly killing ourselves?

I DON"T FUCKING KNOW!!!!!!

and how many of you can really look at yourselves in the mirror - starkers? how do you feel? like you want to strut your stuff on the catwalk? hardly. I figure if I can't stand to look at it - see I said "it" instead of "me" - objectification and distancing .... then I figure no else wants to either, which gives me another reason to eat.

dirty bitching self renewing cycle

I've been the fat happy buddha for the last 5 years and I am so done with it. The bad part is that in order to lose HALF of me - oh yeah - I have to really focus on everything that goes in my mouth, not a happy time for a compulsive addictive semi-multiple personality - let me tell you.

So over the next few months this blog may not be for you. I am using it as the dump and it may not be pretty. You've been warned.

Here is my minimizing manifesto:
1. Since I need to eat 2800+ calories a day to maintain my weight - and I don't want to hear any gasps if you know the math - nor do I wish to see the number of actual pounds again, I am now only allowing myself 1500 healthy calories a day, which is plenty for a sedentary 150 pound 48 year old woman.
2. Eat at least 4 times a day.
3. Plenty of water and green tea.
4. Smaller portions, no more than 2 cups of food at a time - except for salad.
5. One cheat day every two weeks where I can have whatever the hell I want.
6. Avoid places that make me resist temptation because I'm not very good at it.
7. Be as much more active as I can given the jointly limitations I have at the moment.
8. Only get on the scale every 10 days or so and only first thing in the morning.
9. Do not run over the beautiful people with my car.

I am a tad obsessed at the moment. It's because I'm always hungry and I am not happy.

Unfortunately it's self inflicted and only self resolved.